I’m Changing

I’m changing, and it scares me. The more I get to know this new version of myself, the more I realize how much I dislike her. She feels weak—emotionally and mentally. She’s scared, impatient, impulsive. She doesn’t know her worth, she’s lonely, and she’s confused.

Things don’t feel as easy as they were before. I used to be able to lose myself in an activity and let the world fade away. Now, everything feels like a waste of time. Nothing fulfills me anymore. Watching a movie or a series feels like a chore. Half the time, I can’t even follow what’s going on because I’m scrolling through my phone instead. I’ve had to start mentally preparing myself just to sit down and enjoy a movie. I even leave my phone in another room, hoping it’ll help.

Don’t even get me started on reading books. I don’t think I can read ebooks anymore. This entire year, I’ve only managed to finish one, Dexter. I don’t even know how I got through it. There’s just something about hard copies; nothing compares to the feel of a book in your hands.

I saw a TikTok recently. It said something along the lines of, Maybe you miss the old you because you’re still trying to do the things that the old you enjoyed, instead of figuring out what the new you needs. That hit me. The truth is, I don’t know what the new me wants. I don’t know what truly pleases her.

I’ve become so accustomed to sadness that I can’t even recognize joy or happiness anymore. Everything feels superficial— just fleeting, spur of the moment emotions. I feel like a bottomless pit, occasionally catching random droplets of happy moments, but they’re just distractions from the sadness that always returns.

I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t even know where to start. But I’m trying. I’m trying to figure it out.